Hello Readers,
Below is a sample of a chapter from my book. It is still a work in progress but feel moved to share a little bit. The first part is an email that I sent out to family and friends during my journey through breast cancer. This is early in the chemo therapy stage. This particular event was in August of 2006. The second part is my impressions from now, almost 8 years later. I would love your feedback and impressions from reading this.
06
Hair Everywhere…
…and now it’s all gone!
Yesterday I noticed hair coming out. We all had fun with it as it came out in our hands. Not the handfuls I had imagined, but more than normal. I just felt like our cats and their endless shedding. Then I got in the shower to wash it and it came out more…and more…and more. Ran a comb through it and it came out even more. A lot went down the drain (good thing it was short already), and even more went in the trash. I expected to look bald when I finished drying it with the towel. But, alas, there was still a LOT of hair on my head–I guess I had a lot of hair to begin with! Well I slept with a little cap on my head thinking it would all be gone when I woke up, but no, it was still there. A big mess, but still quite a bit. The plan was to shave off whatever was left when we got up in the morning.
I was still pulling hair out before my hair dresser woke up (that would be Carlo). It could have been a fun pastime if it wasn’t for the feeling that I was getting hair all over the house, and I was starting to get itchy.
So, we prepared to do the shaving. Got the tools ready, the chair, the sheet covering the floor. Checked to see if the girls wanted to watch. Made sure they were handling the whole thing o.k. They did NOT want to watch. Francesca was a bit sad, but she knew she would be o.k. Ariana didn’t want me to be bald, but could see some opportunity for fun accessorizing…
…shaving begins. I didn’t watch much, didn’t have my glasses on. I think that was good, because it was a little harder than I expected it to be. I just let myself feel the sensation of having my head shaved. It was interesting. It felt best when it was all over. Seeing it wasn’t that bad. Feeling it was actually kind of fun. Took another shower to get all the little tiny hairs off. That was the simplest shower I ever remember taking. No shampoo! No rinsing of the hair! Drying was easy, too. No water dripping down my back from my hair.
I can see how life will be simpler now. I still have to find a few hats, mostly a soft one to sleep in, and lots of fun ones along with scarves that I can wear with everything.
I can’t wait to go swimming! Better not forget the sunscreen, huh?
Anyway, life is good. I am feeling physically very well. The hair is just an event that gives us something fun to focus on. No nausea this time, didn’t even take any medication for it. Slept well last night. I have a lot of energy and not so foggy of the mind this time.
Went to church today and heard my madrigal group sing. I wished that I could have been singing, but they did well without me. It was wonderful to see them all after the service and get and give hugs all around.
Carlo got to get in a round of golf with a friend this morning, so now he is a happy camper, too. Speaking of camping, we are going to be camping next weekend at Lake Siskiyou. Got a bike rack so we can all ride bikes while we are there. Hoping to rent some kayaks there, too. It’s the first time we will have been camping in over 2 years.
Hope you are all well. Thanks for the notes. I love getting caught up on your lives too!
Phoebe (“baldy mommy”)
Fast Forward
The hair was was a bigger deal for everyone else. I found it quite freeing. I didn’t even mind the stares that I received at times. It bothered the girls when I went out without something covering my head. I tried to be understanding of them and cover up.
What I really came to was the I am not my hair. So many of us identify with our hair. We think it makes us who we are. I don’t think I have ever felt that way. I would grow my hair really long and then cut it really short. I always thought it was just fun to play with. I just think that other people identified me with my hair. I still see people after years have gone by and if my hair is different they make a comment about it. I love changing things up a bit.
Today, I have a full head of hair. I wear it short after having it shoulder length for a while. I recently went crazy and changed the color! Most of my hair has filled in. It’s a little thin in some spots, but not too noticeable. The hair on my legs and arms is still less. That is fine with me. The underarm hair and pubic hair is less as well. No one seems to talk much about those. I just don’t have to shave as much.
I remember my mom would always call me after she got my emails. She really felt the pain that I was not feeling. I knew that staying positive was the best medicine of all. Somehow it just hurt her to know what I was going through. Her mom had breast cancer as well, so she may have been remembering that experience of watching her mom go through that. I can only imagine how that feels to watch your only daughter go through something so serious. I guess I can imagine as I have watched my daughters struggle with their anxieties and other life struggles. Being a parent is the biggest learning experience of any lifetime.
The girls don’t seem to remember much about this time of their lives. We kept them pretty happy and busy with the things they love to do. It looks like we accomplished what we were after–not having them be traumatized by something their mom was going through.
Today, Francesca remembers being upset about my hair falling out. She did not want me to be bald. I have to wonder if the anxiety that both girls experience has to do with this time period. There is really no way of knowing for sure. It could be the combination of this and the divorce that followed or perhaps it is merely the path they are on. We all have our unique journeys while we are on this Earth.
